I really don’t think I’m smart. I’m just good at reading, memorizing, taking tests, and putting in a buttload of effort into my assignments. It bothers me when people call me smart. Hardworking? Absolutely. But smart? Eh. There are people out there who get worse grades and go to less prestigious schools (or no school at all) and are WAY smarter than me.
Things are good right now. Since breaking up about 2.5 months ago, we’ve gone through a few cycles of no-contact/relapse/no-contact/relapse, but it seems like we might be reaching a happy medium. At this point, we’re talking pretty regularly and hanging out on occasion.
We still love each other very much, and I think we’ve both grown so much from this experience. If I were at any other time in my life, I’d probably get back together with him. But I guess this is when 4 years’ difference in age matters. This next year, I’m going to be making some big decisions about where I’m going with my future, and I can’t make those decisions feeling tied down by a relationship. He’s already settled into his career and knows (for the most part) where his life is going. It’s just not the right time to be in a relationship for either of us.
So now that we’ve accepted this fact, things are much better.
I really fucking want to - no, NEED to - start over. I wish I graduated this year so I could move far away from here to a place where nobody knows me. Maybe I wouldn’t forget the past, but at least it wouldn’t haunt me the way it does now. Everywhere I turn I see a dead family member, a lost friendship, or my own fucking heart being ripped out of my chest.
I’m not one to run away from my problems. I know that even if I do go to a brand new place, new experiences will occur that I’ll eventually want to forget too. But I just really don’t want to deal with this right now. Instead of stewing in this pile of bullshit, I want to move on with my life. And I feel like I can’t if I’m here.