#11: Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is
I am 4 years, 3 months, and 11 days into my current relationship. It’s been kind of bipolar for the last 2 years or so. I love the the kid with my entire heart, mind, and soul… but boy, am I tired. I just don’t want to lose him.
I drink pretty much once every weekend, enough to stumble and knock shit over and occasionally not remember what happened when I wake up the next morning. I’ve never puked from it, though.
I used to get high, never on anything other than weed. The first time I smoked was out of an apple, and I’ve only hit from a bong on two occasions. I have a bowl shaped like an elephant that is the cutest, but will probably go unused for a long time, if not forever, but I won’t give it away. Weed gives me panic attacks now. I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t felt safe or comfortable in my environment the last few years. Maybe I’d be okay now, but I haven’t felt any overwhelming desire to smoke up.
Hard drugs scare the shit out of me and I would never, ever do them. At one point I really wanted to do shrooms, but I never got the chance. I grew up, I guess.
So here’s what I think. Alcohol is great, but you should know how to pace yourself and shouldn’t need it to have a good time. I feel the same way about weed. I don’t get how people can drink or smoke up all day, every day. I feel like it’s a waste of the beautiful mind you’ve been gifted with. And as much as you’d like to think it’s harmless, it does affect people around you. As much as you’d like to think it doesn’t change you, it does.
As for hard drugs, it’s your life and you can do what you want - just don’t invite me. And if you’re someone I really care about and you get involved in shit like meth or heroin or crack… I’ll be devastated.
I am seriously wondering why I went to college. Or maybe not so much why I went to college, but why I chose the career trajectory I did. For a long time I’ve been joking about how I’m going to be in school for pretty much my whole life and be so far in debt that I won’t be able to function. But lately the joke has hit me as a cold, harsh reality.
I am going to be in school for another 8 years.
As I sit here on my bed, trying desperately to cram more knowledge into my head but failing miserably, I wonder why I’m putting myself through such torture. I could be doing much more useful things right now, things that don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.
Why am I wasting my time on something I don’t enjoy?
Actually, I do enjoy psychology. Very much so, in fact. But I don’t enjoy learning for the sake of getting As on exams. I realize there has to be a way for judging someone’s competency in the subject, or else your therapists could all be quack-jobs and nobody would know the difference. But it takes the joy and excitement out of the process.
It’s just getting really hard for me to see the benefit of busting my ass for what will end up being half my life by the time I get my Ph.D.
Don’t get me wrong - I am all for using your talents to help others. Academia happens to be my greatest talent, which is why I couldn’t allow myself to forgo college to pursue other interests. But why did my talent have to be this? Why couldn’t I be an amazing artist or musician or cook or anything but a bookworm? Why couldn’t I have been gifted in an area that allowed me to be selfish for once, to have an easier life that consisted purely of following my dreams alone?
I know I’ve been given my mind for a reason. I’m meant to do something extraordinary with it. But right now I’m having difficulty seeing that as my own personal choice rather than a pressure to not let my Creator down.
Honestly, I can understand why people cheat. If you’re in a dead-end relationship or are really unhappy with your significant other, then yeah, you’re going to go out looking for what you don’t have. It’s kind of like the ultimate “fuck you” to whoever is breaking your heart.
But that doesn’t mean I think it’s okay. Sure, everyone feels temptation at one point or another, but I would never, ever let it get to the point where I felt compelled to cheat on my current partner. No matter how angry I was, I couldn’t hurt him like that.
And if my boyfriend ever pulled shit like that on me? I’d probably do one or both of the following…
Burn the word “Cheater” into his lawn
Post flyers with his picture and the word “Cheater” (and some other choice adjectives) in public places
Even though things are far from being paradise right now, I still like my boyfriend. I like that he can come across as a tough guy (tattoos and stuff) but is actually (sometimes) a softy. I like that he’s not afraid to be goofy and weird around me. I like that he’s smart in ways different from me (like, he knows a lot about cars and other motorized things, finances, and, you know, things that are generally more useful in life than academia). I like that he likes to cook. I like that he loves his cat a lot. I like that he has brown eyes and a nice smile. I like that we share so many amazing memories.
Oh, and I like that he’s really, really good-looking.
Just based on these images, I’d say the changes were for the better. Obviously.
No, but in all seriousness. I may have already gotten a grasp on who I was two years ago, but I’m just now learning what I want. That’s not to say I don’t still struggle with indecision. I’ve also become much more independent, driven, and (gasp!) social. I am a much happier person today than I was on February 11, 2009.